When in Rome - The Promise for 2023 - Collective Shadow Work
Learning to love, learning to be in healthy relationship is far more difficult than most will admit. It's not something we learn in school, nor is it modeled in the media we absorb like sponges since our youth.
For most of us, it was not modeled in our families growing up either. Instead we learned patterns such as such as bullying, over passivity, venting and worse – abusive behavior – verbal, physical and even sexual.
In my 20's, I fell flat on my face in my first attempt at romantic partnership. I fell so hard that I was too afraid to try again for close to 20 years. The reason was me – I saw a side to myself I had never seen so clearly as when I was in that relationship - my temper, my moods, my lack of consistency – how could anyone live with all this? I couldn't barely stomach myself.
I thought I could just spend some years on my own, doing the shadow work – mainly through my art and music, creativity to heal, some EMDR, some councling, LOTS of books on self help, metaphysics. Lots of time alone to get to know myself, and what it was I truly want. Why I was so unhappy. And to become a more sane, consistent woman which was worthy of love.
But the years and years passed that way. While, I did experience much healing and a more consistent peace, I was also becoming more and more rigid. Living in an echo chamber of one, conflict still found me. My temper still flared, and I began to realize I still didn't think I deserve companionship. My esteem was getting stronger through my work, but my personal life still seemed stuck. I
Lately I’ve realized, I was playing it safe; Afraid to let others know me, afraid to really go for the things I desired in my heart of hearts. I had been avoiding taking the biggest risk – trying to open my heart again to another.
The past few covid years has cracked me open to relationships again. And accelerated shadow work has begun. I see now that being alone was holding me back spiritually.
If you are serious about real shadow work, then you have to recognize that the people in your life are giving you the feedback you need. You can only go so far on your own. We all need honest feedback. Our loved ones hold us accountable. And they reflect to us what we refuse to deal with. They light up our blindspots.
If you are not ready to know what lies you are telling yourself, then staying isolated is a very good stradegy. But it comes at a cost – chronic loneliness. Cause it's in our DNA to need community, to need people.
Those years I spent alone were so important to me. I loved every minute of my freedom, autonomy, alone time. But I thought it would only take a few years to become a perfect woman ready for that perfect love. I was wrong. I wasn’t able to heal completely that way because it was fear keeping me alone. I was trying to protect others from seeing my shadow side.
I was in conflict because I truly longed for partnership and community, but needed a guarantee I wouldn’t blow it again. That guarantee never came.
Truth is, we all have a shadow side. And mine is no worse than anyone elses. But it’s not a competition anyways.
I've realized that you can't avoid the toxicity we all are infected with in this world. But you can heal it. You can tap into a power so great that it neutralizes it.
But you’ll never heal it, if you won't face it. And as deep as our scars go, it's any everyday, life long battle. Or at least it seems to be for me.
And if you are lucky enough to find someone willing to battle by your side, every day, you better be thankful. You better be ready to offer patience, forgiveness and live in courage. Whether it's a day, month or years, having authentic relationship is more valuable than anything tangible on this earth.
I want to write more about relationships in 2023 because I've changed so much on the topic in the past few years.
As I'm capturing my thoughts on this at the start of a new year, I'm finding many of the songs I wrote and performed the years leading up to Covid were expressing ideas that are just now coming to ripen in my mind and emotions.
That's why I'm sharing this video today of When in Rome's The Promise. I played it at my CD released show 5 years ago to the day! I was with my trio at Rockwood Music Hall the night a BombCyclone Snow Storm hit. It was an epic night and someone special was in the audience.
Last week, we had to hit the road on a cross country road trip to get to a loved one quickly who was hospitalized. I just didn't have the time to get the video up on Friday, my apologies. But I was working on it that day, on the long drive thru America. When I listened to the words of this song, I knew it had to this song for the video...
“When your day is through , and so is your temper
You know what to do, gonna always be there
Sometimes if shout, it's not what's intended
these words just come out, with no cross to bear”
This is The Promise.
Relationships of any kind are so hard. But SO worth it. When someone sticks around even after they've seen you at your worst, then you’ve experienced a mature and kind love that is so rare these days.
I'm sharing this as a message of hope and inspiration. I set it to some car videos of the American Country side, Dec 30th and 31st, 2022 - A year when a lot of ugliness came to the surface for all of us. And you could say we are doing shadow work collectively now.
But if you get bogged down in the darkness and shame, this video is to remind you of the Promise. And the deeper depths of beauty – yours, our country's, our world's.
Will we learn to live in peace with each other this year despite our differences?
Now that so much of our Dark side has come out of hiding, will we learn to heal together?
Will we be able to forgive and still be there for each other?
Will we help each other to become who we are destined to be -an expanded, more loving version?
“I promise you, I promise you! I will”
Happy 2023! Blessings to you and yours!