Back to Black - Accepting our Dark Side - Music , Images and Thoughts to Inspire Wholeness - by Lyndol Descant

Back to Black.

I have felt back to black lately; a dark, depressive feeling of wanting to give up.

Like there's no point in fighting this tragedy.

It's all around us... chaos, despair, darkness. Holding an uplifting perspective is so exhausting. And there's a certain point when it just feels like 'Polly Anna' style denial.

I was never much of a fan of Amy Winehouse. Over the years I came to know her music from playing at events and restaurants. Audiences requested her music all the time. And I found I LOVED playing them. I found easy connection to her songs and a connection to the audiences, through them.

It was her birthday just a few weeks ago, and she's been on my mind.

August was a terrible month for me. I lived through an experience that made me stronger, but not before it almost broke me. I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but I feel the aftershocks of it. I'm different. My worldview is different. And I'm not even sure yet just how.

But I've noticed I'm starting to admire women who embrace their dark side; the ones who are tough. The ones that won't bury their heads under miles of inappropriate optimism. There is a strength in that kind of awareness.
I used to judge women like this. I’ve always been a Christian Woman in my heart. My image of myself was that I should be all love and light, to all people all the time. I was so fooled by a lot of new age beliefs. I tried relentlessly to live up to impossible ideals. It was like living half a life. I continually rejected the ugly parts of myself. I was hiding from myself because I was scared of what I’d find.

Now this shift has occurred in me, and I'm suddenly unable to hide my dark side. My shadow has been showing it's face lately and trust me, it's not pretty. I've seen my own severe bitchy-ness in moments where before I might have denied I was villain.

We all want to believe we are part of the goodness of the world; that the problems in the world are caused by the bad people. But do we want to believe this fantasy more than we want to know the truth?

With the Equinox happening, a new balance in my own light and dark sides is being restored. Things that were hidden are coming to light. I've been seeing moths everywhere.

“Since moths are nocturnal and come out at night, they are the teachers and guides of the Dreamtime, of the repressed shadow aspects of ourselves, and often of our disowned wild natures. Shamanic teachers believe that moths teach us the wisdom of the Dreamtime as well as the rich wildness of our dark natures.” - https://worldbirds.com/moth-symbolism/

Is it because I decided to accept myself completely? Is it because I stared down so many fears in August, that I’m finally brave enough to look myself squarely in the eyes?

Flashback to when I was on my knees in August, facing a situation I never wanted to happen. I had the inner guidance that though this situation was out of my control, I still had the choice to accept it or not. And the loving voice of the Holy Spirit (and My Mother), explained that with this acceptance, would come peace of mind.

And it did. A loving embrace enveloped the whole moment, even my own reaction which included deep, deep seated fear.

Since then, I’ve had a shift and have experienced moments of love and joy so vivid, I feel like a new person. I've also seen a darker side to myself that I have ever wanted to admit existed. When I see myself reacting in fear, or hatred again – I feel like a desperate tragedy. Truth is, I have been working SO HARD for SO MANY YEARS to heal. And to be that loving, enlightened person. And yet I keep coming up short.

There is this cycle of misery that I choose over and over again. I watch myself choose it, unable to exhort the self-control to be loving, to be kind, to be brave. Every time I fail to live up to this ‘Polly Anna’ image, I feel like a living tragedy.

The magic comes whenI accept all this, no judgements, no comparisons or should haves. As I remember to accept the thoughts, emotions, situation and most of all myself, the peace returns so thickly, so divinely. It’s nothing short of a miracle.

And I feel so much compassion for someone like Amy Winehouse. She is not the only one addicted to a cycle of self destruction. I don't know why she wanted to escape, why she couldn't just enjoy a life of talent and success. But her song Back to Black is all about tragic choices. It’s about being the villains of our own lives. It’s singing honestly about sabotaging ourselves. At least this is my interpretation.

I played this song to help me accept my dark side, to embrace my tragedy. We can't hide from our shadow side. Ignoring it only leads to lack of control, and a lack of peace.

The equinox reminds us how to balance the dark and light.

I don't know why there has to be darkness in this world at all. I Maybe because we chose it long ago, as the bible relates. I wish we could just focus on the light only the way New Age preaches. But after 45 years, I do know ignoring the shadow, or just projecting onto others - it does none of us any good.

I created this video for myself to heal. And I loaded it with lots of symbolism. You’ll see lots of footage of NYC. NYC. It’s become a living Gotham for me, stands for lots of darkness. I’m not in judgment of it. Instead, it symbolizes the creative tension which leads to transcendence.

With acceptance comes not only peace, but power.

I honor anyone struggling with their dark side right now. Anyone who feels caught in a self destructive cycle of abuse; whether emotional, physical or spiritual. There is so much happening that is out of our control. But it is with in our power to respond with acceptance, which leads to peace, which leads to wiser choices.

Maybe the closer you are to the light, the bigger your shadow gets. And if you are truly choosing the right hand path, you come to no longer wish to hide darkness from the world, nor from yourself.

I'm choosing to transcend this tragedy. This performance, this video, this blog is me in process as I reveal I'm not the loving light image I wanted to be. I'm no saint and no one to look up to. But then none of us are and I hope to connect through honesty, not illusion.

Let me be clear, I am not giving up on myself. I'm not giving up on any of us. We can all get out of this loop hole of madness. I know we can. Somehow, accepting my dark side has made me more optimistic. Funny how life works!

RIP Amy Winehouse, and thank you!