Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered am I…

This was the title of the last episode of 'And Just Like That' (Sex and the City Reboot) and it made me think of this song instantly. Ironically, I never heard the song on the episode nor did I see the connection to the title, but like the plot of this reboot, filling in the blanks with my own imagination can provide some interesting insight.

I'll confess here first, that I LOVED Sex in the City back in the day. I watched the seasons as they came out, and then binge watched them for years after.

I was a single 20 something who was newly awakened to my artistic nature. Carrie Bradshaw was a hero who was making a living on her art in what seemed like the center of the Universe, New York City. Breaking the mold of step-ford wife was very real for me. This show offered a glimpse to another life.

I was living in Austin, working a corporate job, and dreaming of the day when I could paint, play music and write full time for a receptive audience. I am thankful to Carrie Bradshaw for helping me to inspire me to dream this dream.

I was so motivated. I worked on my art after work, weekends and holidays when quite often I'd have sex and the city marathons on in the background. I was isolated, focused and did sacrifice relationships and family for it. But it was my choice. And I was happy.

But I was also duped in the many ways. Life is never anything like the movies or TV. And if we are fool enough to make a template from them, then our dreams will never be more than dreams.

I was duped into believing that NYC would be the place to accept me. I thought it'd be the place where I could share my voice with out judgement. Whether I found success or not, I thought I'd be tolerated and respected.

You see, I'd left Texas years ago in search of more open minded people. I felt I didn't quite fit in here, but it turns out I didn't fit into NYC either. Turns out NYC has it's own prejudices and predispositions, same as Texas. Well, different from Texas, but the same in that it keeps people closed minded. Humans are the same everywhere; thinking their view is the right one, dismissing the possibility of ever being wrong.

Admitting that we are wrong is a superpower, I now realize this after years in NYC. New Yorkers mirrored arrogance back to me. And I saw how this keeps us stuck in our own, limited bubble. And that's detrimental because it perpetuations our own self-sabotaging behaviors.

Arrogance is the worst block to our creative power. Admitting we are wrong is the key to living a redeemed life, which is the best we can reach for.

I've spent years chasing down dreams that weren't even mine. Trying to find success through living in other people's templates. They were successful, so if I imitate them, then I'll be, right? What a terrible way to pass the years. What a deception? What a waste of a life? And it's even worse when the template is born of fiction. You know it's not real, but it's safer to imitate than trying to chart your own course.

I woke up in my early 40's and realized I had fallen for the illusion of New York. The illusion of the single girl living her best life in the city. I was forced to admit that I was wrong about many things, including my judgements on the culture and lifestyle back home, in Texas. As well as Christianity.

I bought the Hollywood stories of smart and sophisticated New Yorkers, looking down on local yocals everywhere else. I was ungrounded and lost in my own ego. And I was deceived into pursuing happiness externally, rather than inside my own life. This is the ultimate chasing one's tail.

Sex and the City sold many of us this idea of feminine success. It offered unrealistic expectations of relationships, unrealistic economics of the city, impractical shoe theory and glamourized elitism. The narcissism this type of life leads to is imprisoning and exhausting. And honestly, completely uninteresting to me now.

Watching the reboot, I find Carrie to be a brat. It's all so superficially focused and trying so hard to be relevant.

But there are still some interesting and clever moments that surprise me and remind me of why I was so inspired back then. Carrie Bradshaw's art came from her life. She wrote about her experiences, and turned her life into something beautiful. That's exactly what Candance Bushnell did in real life, who is the real life writer the show is based on. And in many ways, Candace Bushnell was a modern Jane Austin, commenting on the complexity and absurdity of modern social circles in NY, from a woman's perspective. I've always been a fan of Jane Austin.

All those years in NY, I circled around what I truly wanted to do. I just didn't have the courage to do it outright. I reckognized that I wasn't the template NYC opened doors for, but I also didn't always express who I truly am, nor share what was my authentic voice. I still played the template game. And I vacillated from trying to contrive success to settling for poverty and obscurity. I filled my time with so many collaborative music projects, and gave so much to my students that little was left over for my own music and art.

But as I write about this here, ironically, I realize I'm finally living that dream I dreamed so long ago. I'm creating music, art and blogs about what I'm experiencing. I'm truthfully sharing my feminine voice in a way that fulfills me. Makes me feel like my life is my art, and my art is my life. These expressions help me to enjoy life fully and completely. It helps me to heal and grow.

I didn't start doing this until Covid shut me down. All the momentum I had built in NYC came to a halt, and I was glad. All this time, I finally have had the energy to put towards my vision of exactly what I want to do. And this is it!

I was deceived because I thought I had to live in NY, or marry my Mr. Big, or be accepted by the cool kids in Brooklyn, to live my dream. It's so silly to admit, and it's so superficial. I was wrong!

Instead, I needed to find the courage to do my art, my way. To live my life, my way. That's what inspired me all those episodes with Carrie. And turns out it didn't matter where I lived, as long as I do that!

Admitting I was wrong is wonderful because it frees me from the mistake. Admitting that it wasn't NYC's fault, but maybe my own lack of courage helps me to let go of the years of rejection and what seems like failure.

We all want to fit in. But it's better to go alone, than to just live off of templates designed for us by Hollywood or 'Experts' or anything outside of us.

We all want validation and success, but where are we going to get it? What if this need makes us vulnerable to manipulation? To being deceived? To deceiving ourselves even? I did grow up in NYC and I'm not longer naive. I recognize that not everyone or everything is as kind as kind people give them credit for.

Bewitched, Bewildered and Bothered is a song I learned early in my jazz days, because I knew I was someone suceptable to loosing myself over a relationship. I lost myself over a Mr. Big. It was like a spell that I couldn't break, and singing about it freed me from it. Much like admitting a mistake can.

What I realize now, is that I came out of that enchantment with men, only to fall for the enchantment of Sex and the City. I think it's the perfect title for that episode of the Sex and the City reboot because I was Bewitched by Carrie and the glamour of NY. I gave my imagination and creative abilities over to templates that disempowered me. I let people I thought were cooler than me decide where to put my creativity. I let consensus decide what was to be desired; even how to think even.

But by being in the center of the Universe (NYC) for awhile, I saw behind the curtain. It showed me that the people who made it to the top don't know anymore about life than I do. In many ways, they are very lost themselves. They are just doing the best they can, but it's not better than I could do. It's not better than any Texan does.

It's just all different.

And it's our choice.

And it's our life.

We should be as varied as the stars.

But instead so many young people hand over their imaginations and their futures to outside influence, like I did. And they disempower their own creative abilities by this mindset. They disconnect from the realization of their true talents.

When you travel now, so many places are the same. The same strip malls, the same corporate restaurants. Here in Texas, there are now restaurants and stores that are copies of NYC. Why?

When there is so much local and natural beauty here in Texas. Why not accept our strengths and weaknesses? And create from there?

The pine trees, the old oak trees, the huge sky due to the flat horizon, the pecans, the swamp cranes, the independence in thought and deed, the space we give to each other to live our lives, the Christian faith, the tex-mex, the rodeo, bluegrass music, the family values... these are merely a few things that make Texas great. Things I was ashamed of in my youth, but no longer take for granted.

Each of us is unique, just like each location is unique. If we focus on how to give what is uniquely ours to give, then I do believe we'd have a much healthier society.

So time to drop the templates. Time to stop imitating others. Time to get real and admit our mistakes. Time to course correct. And it's definitely time to drop the arrogance, cause none of us have reason to be. Not even someone at the top of the pyramid. Not even someone at the top of NYC.

And this one goes out to all those young girls who are searching for their voice. Be brave enough to take the journey, but watch out for the traps of narcissism, toxic femininity, self-sabotage and arrogance. You are the only one who can discern and navigate your unique path! But by all means, don't give up until you can and do share your gifts!!!

And don't think you have to go to LA or NY. Don't think you need to give up your families or trade in your faith. You can live your dream right now, right from where you are standing. That's how to fuel the life of your dreams. That's how to inspire yourself. Don't fall for the grass is greener in NYC, because there isn't even that much grass there at all there.

I'm lucky I got to experience it myself, to see beyond the illusion. And so I want to break the spell it might have on others who have not seen behind the curtain. It's just a show. It's just a city. And there's no way you can walk around NYC in those heals and be comfortable anyway. No way!

It's not lost on me. This timing. Yes, I've finally arrived at living my unique dream right as the reboot comes out. Right as I'm writing this blog criticizing the reboot. Oh man, life is so funny.

So in the end, I must admit I'm still a fan of Sex and the City, I guess. Carrie still has my number. She might be a brat, but she's still pretty fantastic.

I'll continue to watch the rest of the season, though I'm bored at times. It's with love and appreciation in this full circle moment. These ladies put themselves out there, and helped to set me on this course. I've developed my own creative voice. I'm living a career and life that I love. And I've ended up with a man who is far better than Mr. Big.

So thank you! Cheers to all the inspiration you've brought us.

Anyone looking to explore and define your voice, please email with interest to find out how I can support you in your journey.